On Trust Falls (RHOC Season 13 Ep. 1)

Hello lightness, my old friend.

Is it just me, or was the last season of Real Housewives of Orange County missing something, or someone? With hexagonal shaped iced and an affinity for champs maybe? If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times (especially in the past few weeksBRING BACK HEATHER DUBROW. BRING HER BACK. 

A girl can dream.

Anyway, ever since Heather dismissed Kelly Dodd from Meghan King Edmunds’ (who I would bet a million dollars would have bullied me if I went to highschool with her) pre-in-vitro party, the Real Housewives of Orange County have been a little, lackluster. Which was internally killing me. You see, these are the OG Real Housewives, the first city to have that jingle introductions, hold fruits in the title scene – this specific sect of the Real Housewives franchise is quite literally the pioneer to all of the best things that graced my life. Kidding. But really.

As I sit here writing this, I am re-watching old episodes of this very franchise like I always do to feel comfortable. These women have had the most hilarious scenes, wonderful vacations, but also the strongest, most realistic friendships I have ever seen portrayed on television. I’ve seen each and every episode a handful of times and even with that, the episode on screen right now still brings me to tears. It’s the one where Vicky’s mom dies. I have never been able to watch this without crying. I am lucky enough to have my mother on this earth with me, and I am very aware that not everyone has such luck. I have not yet had to relate to this scene in the most basic, humanistic way that you do when you see somebody go through something you never thought you could make through yourself. However, I still cry. Sob cry. Like my stomach is currently in my throat and I already have a headache kind of cry. Need my mom cry.

With all the laughter and fun this show includes I’m not lying when I say that its imperative that it stays on air because it moves people. These are real people. With real lives. Regardless of how elaborate they seem on television these people have been cast for a wide array of reasons but I can’t help but think they were kept onscreen because of a little bit of how real they are. People need to see other people going through things sometimes, so people don’t feel alone. You know?

Anyway I really love this show and have been only semi-stressed with the dullness of the past season. However, after watching this first episode I am proud to announce that MY LADIES ARE BACK!

I’ve worried about Shannon Beador for the past two seasons on account of the fact that I haven’t liked her at all. I really wanted to, but there was just something about the pretending-to-be-okay-while-lashing-out-at-people-who-didn’t-deserve-it-behavior that was rubbing me the wrong way. My heart broke for the crap her legitimate creep of a husband put her through, but I felt like that friend who wanted more for her friend while her friend wasn’t going to change anything about her current situation even though she like, could and it was frustrating and I was over it. Anyway, she’s cut the shit now, and I literally love her from what I’ve already seen.

I would rather watch somebody not be okay and be themselves than pretend to be okay and try to put one over on me, you know? And I feel like this season is setting us up for a lot of realness and therefore a lot of fun.

Meghan King Edmunds is no longer on the show, nor is Lydia or Peggy. We have two new girls but have only met the lawyer who was proposed to on Google Chat. Can’t make that up. Her husband, not so surprisingly, gives me the creeps.

I’ll let you know how I feel about the other new girl once I meet her, which I believe will be tonight (or tomorrow whenever I get to the episode).

All in all, the girls are back, better than ever, and I highly suggest you keep up (if you haven’t decided to already).

Let me know what you think!



Everything You Need To Know Before the Southern Charm Reunion Tonight

Condensing things, wether they be Twitter statuses or titles, has never been my forte.

There are very few things I have the privilege of being able to say I have known since their conception. My brother, Instagram, Vanderpump Rules and Southern Charm. 

*buckle your seatbelts & get some snacks for when Vanderpump Rules comes back on TV. I would quite literally sell my entire apartment (is that even legal), go a year without eating any cheese and kill a human being for the program that is Vanderpump Rules.*

What I like to call the “cool younger siblings” of the Real Housewives franchise, Southern Charm and Vanderpump Rules are just a little edgier, younger, and real-er than most of the programs people associate with Reality TV. The casts are quite literally beautiful, hilarious, with real jobs and real problems just like, cooler ones than I have. So I love them.

This past season of Southern Charm has been one of my favorites, and one of the best, hands down. Personally, I have been catching up on the entire series for over two days because I know how to truly appreciate the finer things in life. If by any chance you have yet to enrich yourself to a higher level of understanding of the human condition, don’t fret. Here’s a quick rundown of who’ll be eating at this season’s Last Supper (reunion, get it? it’s funny).

Thomas Ravenel will NOT be eating supper he will NOT pass go he will NOT collect $200 due to the fact that he has been charged with sexual assault. Proud of Bravo’s swift removal of him from the series. He is, however, the father of two children with a co-cast member Kathryn. He comes from old southern money. He is also old. He has a horrific girlfriend. He has blocked me on Twitter.

Ashley (??) I am unaware if she is eating supper but if I see her I will break my television screen. She is a nurse from California who fell in love with Thomas and moved across the country for his love. Not money at all, simply, love. Last we saw she was living rent-free with an allowance from the love of her life. Romantic. She is also the reason I am blocked from Thomas Ravenel’s twitter.

Kathryn Dennis is the mother of Thomas’ children. She used to be crazy (doing all of us Catherine/Kathryn/Cathryn/how many fucking variations of my name are there in this world?? proud). Her main storyline this season was getting a job at a retail store, Gwynns. She is stunning, sober, and a super whisperer. (Seriously what is it with Bravo and the mic situation SPEAK UP PEOPLE)

Craig took roughly 18 years to pass the bar. He looks like he’s 23. I am unaware how old he is. He broke his hand with a butter knife and now sews pillows full time. Need I say more.

Naiome is Craig’s ex-girlfriend. She is pretty and speaks french. I normally would be loyal to whatever original cast member brought on an ex, but Naiome is one of my favorites on this show. She is funny but also super outspoken and I’m pretty sure she could beat me up. I want to be her friend.

Shep is also from old money. It isn’t offensive because I’m 90% sure they say this at least once an episode. He is the goofy, flirty guy you meet in highschool/college who is the life of the party but also like has a *dark and twisty* side where he reads old literature and may or may not shower. He could be played by Nick Miller in a movie. (please dear God tell me you know what New Girl is. Youtube it for me).

Austen  is like a little Shep. They all mock him for being a little Shep. His mouth moves too fast for his words so it’s pretty funny watching him talk. He brewed his own beer this season which is exciting except for the fact that he basically just paid for the beer to be brewed. I like him though.

Chelsea used to date Austen and is BFFS with arguably my favorite person who has ever been on my television screen. She is a hairdresser. Austen started dating her friend whilst dating her so they ended things. I began to not like Austen when I heard this. You should also begin to not like Austen after hearing that.

Cameran is one of my FAVORITE PEOPLE ever to grace my television screen. She is funny. She has a husband who’s a doctor/surgeon. She has an adorable daughter. She is super pretty. She narrates the entire season and spends basically every scene sitting aside and talking to Whitney about how ridiculous everyone is. I want to be her.

Whitney is the semi-cool older kid you’re friends with. He’s a main producer of the show (*tea*) so he’s not really in the middle of any drama. He has a funny way of commenting about things with Cameran. In the older seasons he annoyed me because he was rude to my friend Kathryn but he’s redeemed himself since. His mother, Patricia is amazing.

Patricia is basically her own cast member. She wears fabulous clothes. She holds galas at her home. She is cutting and dry and hilarious. She drinks martinis and has a butler and I would take any sort of lifestyle class from her. I would literally believe anything she told me ever.

If you’ve made it this far, congrats! Now you have quite literally no excuse to watch (kidding, but really).  I’m going to go make myself a drink and a luxurious tray of pirates booty to prepare. Gotta blast!



On Caves (Below Deck Med)

First of all, let’s take a second to applaud the bravery of those little soccer players (and coach) along with the fearlessness of heroes who risked their lives to willingly DIVE INTO A CAVE with the odds NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY on their side to save the former. I can confidently say that the #ThaiCaveRescue is one of the single most fascinating miracles I have seen in my lifetime. If for some reason you’re living under a rock  in the clouds, I’ll give you a second to google it.

Talk about a reason to believe in humanity. We can all learn from them, I’m sure of it.

Hopefully this title isn’t too soon (if it is, this is me admitting that it could be too soon so hopefully the self awareness here is key) but I wanted to talk about caves and by caves I mean what I call my family room in my apartment. *winces*

My apartment isn’t a studio (I know you were all curious) but it’s basically one big room anyway.

However, with some help from Jordans (#notspons) and Wayfair [def #notspons seeing as I was denied a job there twice 🙂 🙂 🙂 *cue the text message from my Mom telling me to be more professional online!!!] I have created a quaint little unit for myself to sit back and relax with a glass of wine/martini [I’m trying to make myself like these because #sugar #fitfam *cue text message from my Mom reminding me I sell wine for a living*]and watch my programs.

*I sell wine and vodka, fyi*

Back to the point. Is there a point? Oh yeah.

Anyway. I love my little cave, it makes me happy. It is the only cave I have any interest in visiting anytime soon. I don’t care if you pay me a million dollars. Unless, that is, you let me go on Below Deck.

There are two different types of decks you can be below (not funny? or charmingly awkward?Regular and Mediterranean. Currently, Mediterranean is on, and although I’m not the most loyal fan you bet your sweet tush that I have a favorite crew member.

Who is it you may ask?

The sweet angelic mama’s boy Colin (call me) (yeah I have a boyfriend but love is love). He is funny, he is kind, he is important. His freestyle rap for that guest’s birthday quite literally made me smile ear to ear. There is no tie. There is no overtime. There is no rematch.

Juaouuou (I am not even going to attempt to spell his name and that is not rude of me he is rude) is every single kid who didn’t join a fraternity because he “didn’t need help getting invited to parties”. If you were to play a form of drinking game in which you took a sip of alcohol every time he generalized life in the entire country of Zimbabwe you would literally die of alcohol poisoning. And yes, you read that right.

Brooke‘s whispering obsession with masochistic romance (yeah I have an education you read that right!!!!!) is overplayed and bland and her whisper voice makes me nervous.

Kacey needs her hair to be toned like 4 shades cooler (but don’t we all) and is that girl who never had an awkward stage in life and therefore has the personality of an expired bag of chips.

Jamie makes me cringe. I am quite literally nervous when she enters rooms. Why does she prefer to take out trash? Why does she not annunciate her consonants? Is her name even Jamie?

Conrad is a cutie patootie but also my age. I think. And I’m super glad he’s gone so far in his career but I truly do not care for anyone who isn’t transparent with feelings and I wish he clapped back at Juaouuou in a better way. Cutie patootie though.

Hannah is a classic favorite that I didn’t include on rankings to even the field. Same with Adam. Love them SO much, more than they know!!! *bffs for life*

I just realized I forgot Captain Sandy. I feel bad saying this (kind of) but I’m not the biggest fan. And it’s not because of her gender (I actually wanted to like her MORE because she’s a female captain and that’s honestly sick) it’s more because of the fact that she isn’t Captain Lee. And she orders dry toast and you can’t trust anyone who orders dry toast. It’s a rule.

For those entry level Bravo aficionados in training, or those trying to get their significant other as committed to the Bravo network as they are, I would suggest this show. Honestly. It’s interesting but I don’t worry about missing an episode. A safe palette cleanser.

If appropriately matching Bravo programs to perspective watchers was a job, I would want that job. And I don’t think it is (somebody let me know) so for now, read this and trust the professional (me).





On Woopin’ It Up

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times; Bravo is quite literally the best network on television. Emmy worthy at least. I am not kidding when I tell you all I found myself in a heated verbal altercation with the Comcast Network over the severity of my addiction to Bravo once I moved out. They said I couldn’t have it in my television package, I told them I would rather go the entirety of my life wearing wet socks under my shoes than pay even a cent for dull, unfunny, forced programming that dreams of the day that it preludes a “Watch What Happens Live”. We worked something out.

I don’t have a clear idea what I want for this blog in regards to overall theme as I age. I know that I have officially paid money to own this for the next 2 years (buckle in, folks!!!). I know that overthinking is the thief of good ideas & progress (thanks, #BryantIDEA!!) . I know I like to make people happy, laugh, and feel good about themselves (can I get any more humble? It really is hard being this perfect) – and I know that I could quite literally talk about any and all Bravo programming for the rest of my life forever and live content.

So I’m gonna start writing again (duh, you’ve read this) but I’m gonna try and be a little more relaxed in the whole format thing and a whole lot more real on what I write about. Hard hitting journalism. A real Barbara Walters experience. Nitty gritty only. Buckle your seatbelts, folks.

Let’s talk about Vicki Gunvalson.

Born Victoria Stienmez in Chicago, Illinois (yeah, I looked this shit up) Vicki Gunvalson is the OG Housewife. And I mean OG, like first season of the first season (say that three times fast) of Real Housewives Housewife OG. And she’s still here. And she kicks ass. And she takes names. And she WHOOPS IT UP.

Between her dirty martinis, clean catch phrases (see what I did there), and tumultuous dating life, this self-made woman is my legitimate obsession. It is a STONE COLD FACT that every Real Housewives City has a strong matriarch (if you didn’t know, now you know) and Victoria Anne is the crisp orange in the center of the OC. She is an icon. A treasure. My hero

#RHOC returned last night, and since I’m 89 years old I was in bed during the premiere – so I’m going to watch it right after I post (CLICKBAIT IF I’VE EVER SEEN IT TO TUNE BACK IN FOR MY THOUGHTS) – but if you have a sense of humor/appreciation for the arts and were intrigued by that little bio of the goddess of Coto, start telling your remote to take you to Bravo already. Like now. You’ll thank me later.