Everything You Need To Know Before the Southern Charm Reunion Tonight

Condensing things, wether they be Twitter statuses or titles, has never been my forte.

There are very few things I have the privilege of being able to say I have known since their conception. My brother, Instagram, Vanderpump Rules and Southern Charm. 

*buckle your seatbelts & get some snacks for when Vanderpump Rules comes back on TV. I would quite literally sell my entire apartment (is that even legal), go a year without eating any cheese and kill a human being for the program that is Vanderpump Rules.*

What I like to call the “cool younger siblings” of the Real Housewives franchise, Southern Charm and Vanderpump Rules are just a little edgier, younger, and real-er than most of the programs people associate with Reality TV. The casts are quite literally beautiful, hilarious, with real jobs and real problems just like, cooler ones than I have. So I love them.

This past season of Southern Charm has been one of my favorites, and one of the best, hands down. Personally, I have been catching up on the entire series for over two days because I know how to truly appreciate the finer things in life. If by any chance you have yet to enrich yourself to a higher level of understanding of the human condition, don’t fret. Here’s a quick rundown of who’ll be eating at this season’s Last Supper (reunion, get it? it’s funny).

Thomas Ravenel will NOT be eating supper he will NOT pass go he will NOT collect $200 due to the fact that he has been charged with sexual assault. Proud of Bravo’s swift removal of him from the series. He is, however, the father of two children with a co-cast member Kathryn. He comes from old southern money. He is also old. He has a horrific girlfriend. He has blocked me on Twitter.

Ashley (??) I am unaware if she is eating supper but if I see her I will break my television screen. She is a nurse from California who fell in love with Thomas and moved across the country for his love. Not money at all, simply, love. Last we saw she was living rent-free with an allowance from the love of her life. Romantic. She is also the reason I am blocked from Thomas Ravenel’s twitter.

Kathryn Dennis is the mother of Thomas’ children. She used to be crazy (doing all of us Catherine/Kathryn/Cathryn/how many fucking variations of my name are there in this world?? proud). Her main storyline this season was getting a job at a retail store, Gwynns. She is stunning, sober, and a super whisperer. (Seriously what is it with Bravo and the mic situation SPEAK UP PEOPLE)

Craig took roughly 18 years to pass the bar. He looks like he’s 23. I am unaware how old he is. He broke his hand with a butter knife and now sews pillows full time. Need I say more.

Naiome is Craig’s ex-girlfriend. She is pretty and speaks french. I normally would be loyal to whatever original cast member brought on an ex, but Naiome is one of my favorites on this show. She is funny but also super outspoken and I’m pretty sure she could beat me up. I want to be her friend.

Shep is also from old money. It isn’t offensive because I’m 90% sure they say this at least once an episode. He is the goofy, flirty guy you meet in highschool/college who is the life of the party but also like has a *dark and twisty* side where he reads old literature and may or may not shower. He could be played by Nick Miller in a movie. (please dear God tell me you know what New Girl is. Youtube it for me).

Austen  is like a little Shep. They all mock him for being a little Shep. His mouth moves too fast for his words so it’s pretty funny watching him talk. He brewed his own beer this season which is exciting except for the fact that he basically just paid for the beer to be brewed. I like him though.

Chelsea used to date Austen and is BFFS with arguably my favorite person who has ever been on my television screen. She is a hairdresser. Austen started dating her friend whilst dating her so they ended things. I began to not like Austen when I heard this. You should also begin to not like Austen after hearing that.

Cameran is one of my FAVORITE PEOPLE ever to grace my television screen. She is funny. She has a husband who’s a doctor/surgeon. She has an adorable daughter. She is super pretty. She narrates the entire season and spends basically every scene sitting aside and talking to Whitney about how ridiculous everyone is. I want to be her.

Whitney is the semi-cool older kid you’re friends with. He’s a main producer of the show (*tea*) so he’s not really in the middle of any drama. He has a funny way of commenting about things with Cameran. In the older seasons he annoyed me because he was rude to my friend Kathryn but he’s redeemed himself since. His mother, Patricia is amazing.

Patricia is basically her own cast member. She wears fabulous clothes. She holds galas at her home. She is cutting and dry and hilarious. She drinks martinis and has a butler and I would take any sort of lifestyle class from her. I would literally believe anything she told me ever.

If you’ve made it this far, congrats! Now you have quite literally no excuse to watch (kidding, but really).  I’m going to go make myself a drink and a luxurious tray of pirates booty to prepare. Gotta blast!

TTYL

Catherine

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