On Caves (Below Deck Med)

First of all, let’s take a second to applaud the bravery of those little soccer players (and coach) along with the fearlessness of heroes who risked their lives to willingly DIVE INTO A CAVE with the odds NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY on their side to save the former. I can confidently say that the #ThaiCaveRescue is one of the single most fascinating miracles I have seen in my lifetime. If for some reason you’re living under a rock  in the clouds, I’ll give you a second to google it.

Talk about a reason to believe in humanity. We can all learn from them, I’m sure of it.

Hopefully this title isn’t too soon (if it is, this is me admitting that it could be too soon so hopefully the self awareness here is key) but I wanted to talk about caves and by caves I mean what I call my family room in my apartment. *winces*

My apartment isn’t a studio (I know you were all curious) but it’s basically one big room anyway.

However, with some help from Jordans (#notspons) and Wayfair [def #notspons seeing as I was denied a job there twice 🙂 🙂 🙂 *cue the text message from my Mom telling me to be more professional online!!!] I have created a quaint little unit for myself to sit back and relax with a glass of wine/martini [I’m trying to make myself like these because #sugar #fitfam *cue text message from my Mom reminding me I sell wine for a living*]and watch my programs.

*I sell wine and vodka, fyi*

Back to the point. Is there a point? Oh yeah.

Anyway. I love my little cave, it makes me happy. It is the only cave I have any interest in visiting anytime soon. I don’t care if you pay me a million dollars. Unless, that is, you let me go on Below Deck.

There are two different types of decks you can be below (not funny? or charmingly awkward?Regular and Mediterranean. Currently, Mediterranean is on, and although I’m not the most loyal fan you bet your sweet tush that I have a favorite crew member.

Who is it you may ask?

The sweet angelic mama’s boy Colin (call me) (yeah I have a boyfriend but love is love). He is funny, he is kind, he is important. His freestyle rap for that guest’s birthday quite literally made me smile ear to ear. There is no tie. There is no overtime. There is no rematch.

Juaouuou (I am not even going to attempt to spell his name and that is not rude of me he is rude) is every single kid who didn’t join a fraternity because he “didn’t need help getting invited to parties”. If you were to play a form of drinking game in which you took a sip of alcohol every time he generalized life in the entire country of Zimbabwe you would literally die of alcohol poisoning. And yes, you read that right.

Brooke‘s whispering obsession with masochistic romance (yeah I have an education you read that right!!!!!) is overplayed and bland and her whisper voice makes me nervous.

Kacey needs her hair to be toned like 4 shades cooler (but don’t we all) and is that girl who never had an awkward stage in life and therefore has the personality of an expired bag of chips.

Jamie makes me cringe. I am quite literally nervous when she enters rooms. Why does she prefer to take out trash? Why does she not annunciate her consonants? Is her name even Jamie?

Conrad is a cutie patootie but also my age. I think. And I’m super glad he’s gone so far in his career but I truly do not care for anyone who isn’t transparent with feelings and I wish he clapped back at Juaouuou in a better way. Cutie patootie though.

Hannah is a classic favorite that I didn’t include on rankings to even the field. Same with Adam. Love them SO much, more than they know!!! *bffs for life*

I just realized I forgot Captain Sandy. I feel bad saying this (kind of) but I’m not the biggest fan. And it’s not because of her gender (I actually wanted to like her MORE because she’s a female captain and that’s honestly sick) it’s more because of the fact that she isn’t Captain Lee. And she orders dry toast and you can’t trust anyone who orders dry toast. It’s a rule.

For those entry level Bravo aficionados in training, or those trying to get their significant other as committed to the Bravo network as they are, I would suggest this show. Honestly. It’s interesting but I don’t worry about missing an episode. A safe palette cleanser.

If appropriately matching Bravo programs to perspective watchers was a job, I would want that job. And I don’t think it is (somebody let me know) so for now, read this and trust the professional (me).





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